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Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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9:34 pm - reminded of the law of attraction...
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I love life and life loves me... To those i once considered predators
to those i named the antagonists
to those i badmouthed
to those i blamed
to those i held onto,
I RELEASE YOU!
with love and wishes of a fulfilling path It is time to reclaim my body
my shape, my curves
my choice of hair or
bare skin- without necessarily
calling it vulnerable... I am free as i release and free those i held captive in my warped memories of the past. To those i once saw as obstacles, I thank you for showing me the way to where i am.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 12th, 2008
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12:59 am - by erica jong
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Seeing Sexism
Posted January 10, 2008 | 12:55 PM (EST)
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It's not easy to see sexism. It's such a part of our lives it seems invisible. It's in us and outside us. We want not to believe in it---until something---like men making fun of Hillary Clinton, like women making fun of Hillary Clinton---stirs it up. And then something inside our heads shouts: "THERE IT IS AGAIN! I thought--I truly hoped we were past this."
The truth is, we want sexism to be passé. We don't want to keep fighting it. It's so uncool to fight it. We sound so shrill, so whining, so strident, so piercing, so shrewish, so female. For these are all coded adjectives for women you hate. We hate them ourselves. We don't want to be shrill, shrewish, strident, whining, piercing. We want to be cool. We want to hold our own, we want not to waver, not to be high-pitched, not to betray our femaleness, our weakness. And yet our voices are higher than men's and we are less listened to in the agora. We are always tokens.
On most charitable boards I sit, on every prize committee I deliberate, on most writers' panels, I am a token. One woman and seven men, two women and fourteen men, three women and twenty-one men. I hate being a token. I wish it were otherwise. Unlike those nasty women of yesteryear--Clare Boothe Luce, Ilka Chase--the women who inspired The Women--I have no stake in being queen bee. I want a 50--50 world. But the world is not that way. So tedious, old-time feminism must rear its shrieking Medusa head again.
The Greeks got it. Medusa's snaky head, the sex-strike in Lysistrata, Medea's fury in Greek myth and tragedy.
The truth is we have been trying to assert women's rights (and wrongs) for a long time. Too, too long, in fact. No wonder everyone is turned off. From Mary Wollstonecraft to Susan B. Anthony to Eleanor Roosevelt to Germaine Greer to Gloria Steinem is at least two and a half centuries. And before that, Mary Magdalene was smeared by the damned disciples, Cleopatra by Shakespeare, Hatshepsut by all those Egyptian dudes and doubtless even the Sumerian earth goddess. Too fat, too shrill, too monomaniacal, say the cool men. And the cool women echo it.
What? Life begins in the womb? Women are the life force? How unfair! Didn't Samuel Johnson--that old bore, say: "Nature has given women so much power that the law wisely gives her little" The Greek tragedians smeared a lot of women too, but they were shrewder observers of life than our present day guy writers. At least they had the myths to set them straight. So they knew women were fierce from being raped so often and they knew the rapists (usually men) deserved everything they got.
So now we have the cool dudes saying Hillary is dead, the fall of the house of Clinton is here, baby-boomers are so over, don't trust those wrinklies (British for your parents' generation), youth is roaring again, hope is the watchword, Obama has a feminist wife and two cute little girls, he'll fight for us. And the cool chicks echo it: Hillary is over, we have our rights, we have the pill, we have the patch, we have the IUD, we have the vote, we have nannies for our kids, so what about the retrenchment on Roe, so what about the Right to Lifers, so what about my mother's battles? Over and done. Passe. Youth has come in the person of Barack. Male? Not really. Think of his wife. Two for the price of one--like Billary in 1992. But will Ms. Obama be the prez? Not really. Power behind the throne. Same old, same old. We seem to have forgotten that we did this all before.
But it's different this time say the women of my daughter's generation. We've won the battle. We don't need the White House. Say what? We don't need it? We're past it? We have all heard that before, too. It's an old, old story. Hillary is the establishment? Hillary stole the vote in New Hampshire? Hillary is passé. Hillary is too close to Bill. Hillary is not close enough to Bill. Hillary is calculating. Hillary is cold. Hillary cried. (Actually, she didn't cry -- as Jon Stewart and I pointed out). She just looked human. She showed a teeny bit of vulnerability. UNFAIR! They scream. FEMININE WILES! They scream. The heart of being a woman is to be always in the wrong.
Let's be honest here. We don't know how a female President would act. But we could look around. I know America is a provincial country, but we could look at Germany, Ireland, England, Pakistan, India, Argentina, and Finland--to name a few. We could ask why the USA, out of all the so-called "civilized" countries, is so damned afraid of a woman leader.
We could look at the invisible sexism--as Gloria Steinem has been asking us to do for nearly half a century. We could acknowledge that a multiracial male president with a fierce feminist wife would be great for America, but maybe we should break the invisible gender barrier first. Yes, blacks have been hideously oppressed, but so have women--and black women know this better than white women do. We have been tokens for so long that most of us just take it for granted. The flaying of Hillary Clinton shows us we can take nothing for granted. We need to break that tough, annealed, glass ceiling with the barbed wire over it. And we need to break it now.
If this is the politics of gender, so be it. We need a politics of gender in this country. Obama is a good man who will only get better. Youth is on his side. Perhaps Hillary will appoint him to the Supreme Court where he can counter that embarrassing Clarence Thomas. Perhaps he will be President in 2016 or perhaps, even better, Michelle Obama will be. They have nothing but time.
Hillary's time has come.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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11:29 pm - a quick read that can save your life.
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ive read a lot of stupid email fowards over the years on similiar topics to this one... often composed of make believe stories created with the intention to make women paranoid. this is actually a worthwhile quick read that gives you a few safety tips that are easy to implement in your life... it is empowering ratehr than teaching us to be afraid. post it wherever you tihnk people will read! thanks!
Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)
When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this
Information is too important to miss someone.
Please pass it along and share it with your children.
A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair . Women with short hair are not common targets.
2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly . Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.
3) They also look for women on their cell phone ,searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.
4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5: 00a.m. And 8:30a.m.
5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots . Number two: is office parking lots/garages. Number three: is public restrooms.
6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.
8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas , or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question , like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here," "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.
11) If someone is coming toward you , hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back .
Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes) , yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
13) If someone grabs you , you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the
Arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upperinner thigh VERY VERY HARD . One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it - it hurts.
14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN . I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful . You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.
15) When the guy puts his hands up to you , grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible . The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
16) Of course the things we always hear still apply.Always be aware of your surroundings , take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!
You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.
1 Tip from Tae Kwon Do : The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans . If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5 A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it , but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.
Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This
should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana .
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 14th, 2007
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7:30 pm - i just left a comment and realized
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that pic of me is so fucking old. i dont have time to make another one tiny now so ill do it later and post a few recent here.
...fuck. update to download file? so fucking lame.
fuck that. deal with teh fact you dont know waht i look like.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 16th, 2007
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10:33 pm
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in my "inspiration" deck of cards... there are 50 cards. each time i draw a card, i shuffle thoroughly... i think spread the cards without looking and pick any card still looking away. ive gotten teh same card 4 or 5 times now. im a little weirded out.
"create that vision"
even if you dont know what you should be doing or what your mission is, you need to practice creating that vision anyway. remind yourself that before long, the all-creating source will bring your vision into your physical life in ways greater than you could have imagined.
...sooo i wrote out some things i want to manifest in hte near and semi near future. i am now certified to practice reiki... im pretty sure i have 2 clients and other possible ones. i am going through my marykay starter kit tomorrow with theresa... hope to get taht off the ground. now that im doing oddjobs and waitressing at weddings, i hope to network with wedding planners so that it can get me jobs doing makeup on brides. i should buy a reiki table soon. i plan on showing tildet the location i found in norhtport. things are good. more to come later, i hafta go get will now =0)
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 6th, 2007
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6:43 pm
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i noticed the light was already green
as we approached the corner
as if it was waiting
as if it had always been
i asked him if he ever wondered
how many times we'd round that corner
before being told by the streetlight
that its about time we stop
to lay this baby
down to rest
but he thought i was just
tossing around
empty metaphors
fragile love, tiny creature
cover your ears
hush the anger
pray you only hear the laughter
and that it lull you to sleep
water down, water down the issues
until water all around her
she learns to swim and admire
the beautiful sound it makes when
up above her mother is crying
accompanied by the silence
silent prayer for peace to be restored
as Love, growing within, swims around
Love learns to breathe under water
tucked away from the cold air above
where her parents sway like trees
dancing
kissing
crying
making love
losing love
finding it again
she swims about her mothers womb
hearing a question but no reply
something or other of traffic lights
knowing far too well the importance
of her mother's unanswered question
whispered a little more quietly
with each time they round that corner
glancing a little more nervously
at the building on its lawn
where love is laid to rest
where the past is laid to rest
where life is laid to rest
to rest to
green
turns to yellow.
yellow yellow yellow
re
re
red
red
re
rest
resst
breathe in. breathe out.
ressst
breathe in. breathe out.
breathe out.
breathe.
out.
and lay.
to.
rest.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
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12:13 am - i dont understand
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i wrote about it. its OUT. so why is it still plagueing my body.
i wrote about class, i wrote in my "Fuck you book" about the other thins bothering me.
so why wont this go away?
i knwo the answer.
im not ready to surrender to it all.
im not ready to deal with it properly
and i know it will grow and repeat repeat repeat itself until i do
i just need the tools, i dont have the tools.
maybe once i sleep i will feel better inthe morning
i need to talk to liza about this
i think it might be time to surrender to all of this
because i dont have the option of cutting all connections to these people
my god do i hate this
not only because i dont feel in control
but because i feel like i lose if i surrender
i feel like i hand the power over to the select peopel i resent right now.
i just need to cry
i guess this means im one of the weak ones? huh, mr giordano?
fuck you all.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
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11:43 pm - i dont know what to put for a subject.
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i am following tildets advice and writing on this. i do have therapy tomorrow, but its obvious that not getting things OUT of me has taken its toll... if only i had spoken up to everyone i needed to, i might not have this sore throat and headache i have right now. oh well.
there are a few things lately that ive had to hold in and not speak up about... some are just not appropriate to post here because i dont know who reads this (not that i think many do... but still). i will stick to todays challenge and let that be my start. the rest can be sorted out tomorrow with liza so i can get this all OUT of me.
so let me put out the intention that writing this out will completely release it from my body... off my chest... out of my head... so that i have a fresh start to face the unfolding present.
every tuesday and thursday at 8 am i feel like i am walking into a battlezone when i walk into my classroom. i wont say that my teacher is necessarily a bad person... i just dont think it is okay by any means that he teaches his opinion as if it were fact. now, on some issues i can let it go in one ear and it can smoothly flow out the other.. no harm done. some things i am just astonished that he can be so cold and biased in his position as an "educator" who should be OBJECTIVEEEEEEEEE. but today he just went too far. i have already come to the understanding/conclusion that most of hte things he says go against everything i stand for and believe in... all of my core values and the things that keep me waking up every mrning with a smile on my face.
todays controversial "lecture" (or rambling as it seems) was about something that hits really close to home. a sensitive topic that i myself and manymanymanyyyy others have struggled with. bullies. oh oh oh ! first let me say that he also said ADD does not exist. it didnt used to and its NO excuse for anything. people should just suck it up and do their school work. people in my class also made fun of someone they knew of who was special ed and in highschool until his 20s. the teacher said he woulda just gave up and dropped out, another person said he wouldve killed himself. apparently this is all "acceptable" in a college classroom. wonderful.
as for hte bullying topic... according to this professor, the school has no place to intervene. the child who is being bullied should "take matters into their own hands" or "smack the kid in the head". if they are unable to do this and succeed then they are weak. the school system is sheltering these kids and doing htem more harm than help by intervening when there is bullying going on.
are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! i wanted to scream. my heart was pounding out of my chest. how can you be so fucking insensitive... and even worse, how does everyone fucking agree with all this?!!?!? has no one else been a victim at some point or another in their life? do they not know the causes of teenage suicide and school shooting? do they not know of hte PERMANENT DAMAGE that can be caused during these crucial years of self concept formation? are you fucking kidding me.
the most i really said what i meant was in saying "dont you think it can be viewed as a bit insensitive tht youre saying.. blahblahblah". i also pointed out that the school intervening is not solely about "sheltering" the child... its very much so about teaching the antagonizer that this sort of behavior is unacceptable! here is this teacher talking about murder and rape and how horrible... HELLO!?!?!? if we taught kids early on that violence doesnt solve our issues then maybe it wouldnt be such a fucking prominent issue in our society. you can be charged with battery or assault if you punch someone on the street cause theyre in your way. why are we teaching our kids that this is okay.
i fucking hate this class. i dont like what he has to say. i dont like my classmates. i dont like that he calls liberals "idealists" and mocks their every belief. i dont like that he teaches his opinion as though it were fact. i dont like it and i dont know hwat gets me through... but i need to finish it out as its a requirement for my socialwork program. people like this man are hte problem. people like these students are the problem. sometimes i just literally find all of this unbelievable. i can NOT believe that people are so insensitive, so cold, so cruel and so open to not only speak of but TEACHHHHHHH blame the victim!
i felt like the fucking victim again. like i was back in highschool, me against my class, me against the world. i thought i was going to have a panic attack. i thought i was going to cry. i didnt let myself disassociate though... it wouldve been too easy and i wouldve done it in the past. i am proud of myself for that. i waited a few minutes and left hte classroom as if i were going to hte bathroom... i called my mom and talked to her and let myself cry. it was frustratinga nd exhausting. i wouldnt let them see me cry... i know what they think of "people like me". we are apparently weak. i honestly think one person in that class agrees with me, because he always smiles at me at hte end of class as if to say " i hear you. i know."
i will come out of this so much stronger. for learning self control and distress tolerance. for learning radical acceptance. but my fucking lord, is it a struggle. ugh.
iahte it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it.
current mood:  drained
current music: the dresden dolls- sing
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2007
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6:20 pm - this will be the ticket to my future.
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How cliché in this day and age for a twenty year old to say that they are unlike any person you will ever meet. I will make it even worse then, by mentioning that I plan to change the world. My rhythm in life has always been to the beat of my own drum. I suppose that at this turning point of twenty-something year olds, many people are at the same crossroad as I. The difference then will be where we all go from here. Some will drop out of college and settle for a low paying job that will pass the time and help them just barely get by in life. Some will drop out of college and marry, relying solely on their spouse. Some will settle in terms of their dreams and aspirations, for high paying jobs that do not help them to grow as a person. I do not plan to settle, as I never have in the course of my life thus far. I am able to look a challenge straight in the face, aware of the demands it will bring but more focused on the lessons to be learned.
My life, on the surface, is nothing of a sob story. I grew up in a supportive, loving family. School was always a main focus of mine and so I did well. Everything I ever dabbled in I approached with my whole heart and consequently thrived. Since a very young age I have been told that I am wise beyond my years. It is my conclusion that this is so because I pay attention. I pay attention to life, I look and I listen, taking in every moment and allowing it to unfold in my mind. I learn from my mistakes as well as those of others. Most importantly, I strive to be a better person in everything that I do, as a goal that will be ongoing for my entire life. I plan on keeping this mentality in my professional life to come; I do not plan on ever seeing a finish line in sight.
Once I have my masters and can begin with work, I plan on receiving additional training to work with specific populations. For every workshop and seminar I attend from that point on, there will be one more person I can reach. Some of the more inherent qualities that make a great social worker have always been apparent to those who I cross paths with. I am by nature (and zodiac sign) a caring, empathetic, deep, sensitive person. Being that my star sign is cancer, there is also the stubborn part of me that I have learned to tame and cherish. I use this to keep me focused on my goals and to be strong within myself if I feel it necessary.
I have always been an advocate for the underdog. My history of speaking out against racist jokes and politically inaccurate names dates back to preschool! However, it was not until my freshman year in New Paltz when my passion was brought to the forefront. To learn eighteen years later that you are not alone is quite the revelation. I always had to fight for my beliefs growing up. I was on a different plane mentally and emotionally than my peers in middle school and high school. It was not until I found that the true meaning of feminism lied within me that I felt my voice strengthened. All those years of pain and isolation, due to rejection, were all worth it. I held true to my morals and treated people with kindness without exception.
Another word defined for me in college was “integrity”. My favorite teacher at Suffolk County Community College, Bill O’Connell, makes it a point to engrave the meaning of integrity into our minds. I have come to realize through reflection that this is one of my greatest qualities. In a field where people’s lives, minds, emotions and futures are at stake, nothing short of the best intentions will do. Every person I work with will receive the time and dedication they deserve. They will be able to rest assured that they are in good hands; caring hands that are willing to help in any way they can. When nobody is around to notice, I always do the right thing. I can not think of a more important quality to have when pursuing a future as a social worker.
My nature is that of someone who helps people. Of the many interests which have offered me a promising future, none suit me as well as social work. To get bored with such rewarding work is impossible. I simply thrive when I know I’ve made a positive impact on someone’s life. Three years in your program would only help to build on my knowledge where I am lacking information. Technicalities and legalities, things that do not come naturally or through life experience, are the areas I most need work.
Just the other day, my friend Amanda and I were discussing the Tyra Banks show. Tyra Banks has officially been added to my list of heroes for so strongly standing up and speaking out against the media and the way it bashes women. The topic of the media and its negative effect on women has been one of great interest to me, and so we were discussing it. Amanda and I were debating when and how this way of the world could/would ever change. She was convinced it would not and in my opposing argument I said “nothing ever stopped until it did”. It sounds so simple, but in its simplicity it holds more promise than most can fathom. Martin Luther King Jr. had to speak of a dream to get across to a nation stuck in its ways. A dream!
How else can people grasp the concept of radical change if not through the non-threatening means of a dream? Anything is possible in this world, but people confuse the words possible and easy. Social change might take blood, sweat and tears, or it might take a raised voice and television broadcasts. Either way, it has found its way through the most trying of times. Change is natural. If you look around at nature, as the way the world is intended to be, you simply cannot miss it. If anything, our society works painstakingly hard to keep the world as it is. Those who are well off want to keep life as it is so that they are comfortable, forgetting those that are praying every night for change enough just to get by. It is because of those people who pray, because of nature’s proof that I refuse to give up hope. Perhaps I will be the next Martin Luther King Jr.; perhaps not. Just because I don’t reach 1,000,000 people all at once, does not mean I cannot reach every one of those people throughout the span of my life.
As I said earlier on, I do plan to change the world. Also, I am different, as I’ve always been told and have slowly come to believe. Whether or not it’s convincing on paper is not so much the issue at hand. Actions speak louder than words, and so I ask you to give me the tools to prove myself. Allow me to come into your classrooms, and I will change the lives of all those people. The fate of what I can do with my hands now lies within yours.
current mood:  accomplished
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 8th, 2007
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3:41 am - every close call gets closer and closer
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the scars on my arms are faded
one year later
and on my stomach add accent
for the few spectators
imperfect-art appreciators
my hair is growing in again
i blend into the crowd of possibility
for the rapists to choose from
their trembling hands unaware
of the reality that when they
strip me of my clothing
they strip me of my defenses
my strength, my pride, my recovery
the weight has shifted
some, slightly lifted off my frame
i once again resemble a woman
shapely and no longer hiding beneath my
fragile, fleshy armor
all this has changed
in 365 days
so how then, is it even a possibility
that i sit here tonight alone...
alone in the world
the cause of turmoil, of anger
a cold empty shell
ready to crack
contemplating taking all of those pills
i used to count on my desk
feeling the steering wheel pull me
toward every telephone pole
to die is irrational
suicide is illogical
i just need to sleep
for longer than the world will allow
i am supposed to have come so far
supposed to be standing so tall
look at me now! at how far ive come!
its all a fucking joke
and the jokes on me
the past walks in and out the door as it pleases
and i sit frozen praying she wont see me
wont know that i sit here
holding my cards close to my chest
knowing its just seconds until i fold
that maybe she was right
maybe i am crazy, maybe i am
destined for a dead end
my body is numb
only finds solace in sleep and food
no sex drive to speak of
temptation, just a fairytale
able to walk away from any kiss
envious of the erection just inches away
from the body that doesnt give a damn
the noises around me are too much to bear
laughter pierces like nails on a chalkboard
and i wonder again
how many pills it would take to keep me asleep
without landing me in the ER
or on a bathroom floor
imagine the surprise on peoples faces
the chaos that would ensue
"but she's come so far!"
"shes done so well for herself!"
tell it to the part of me that twitches
the part that wants to count those pills
to drag that blade
to crash that car
to find some peace
to find anything outside this feeling
this state of mind.
maybe she was right
maybe i am crazy.
after all, here i am
365 days later
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 6th, 2007
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3:22 pm - i see you, mara
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I dreamt last night
that the past resurfaced
against my whitewash body
and in the background hummed
a broken record, over and over
I didn't do it
I didn't
Do it
Didn't do it
I didn't do it
but no one listened
too distracted by red on white
they tuned out my voice
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:08 am - next time we talk. im gona tear you a new one.
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Its easy enough for you to patronize me and my sweet, sweet smile
making assumptions about my feelings (or lack thereof)
defining me by my youthful face
too cowardly to look into my aging eyes
i have been down this road before
you are not the first to walk it
pacing in circles, going no where
familiar trees with branches like hands
reaching out to help you
are ignored
as you march along blindly you are
SCREAMING at the sky
cursing the fate you refuse to believe
is at the mercy of your own hands
the only way you know to feel
is through pain
and so you savor every last drop until
the source is sucked dry
and once again you retreat into your empty shell
O me! O my!
I need to do this on my own.
and you do.
you walk alone, in circles
out of the flame and
back in again
thinking you havent been changed
beyond the burns and slight distortions
but take a look at yourself
through the eyes of a stranger
you have let your lies build around you so tall
no one even bothers to try
to see past the constantly shifting wall
you change your stance, your words
to best fit your surroundings
to survive...
and it suits you.
after all, here you are
alive.
standing alone, surrounded by strangers
whose knowledge only holds one common ground:
your name
and they shout it at the top of their lungs
and they reach for you like branches for the sun
only to be ignored
their voices drowned out by the sound of one
screaming at the sky
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 29th, 2006
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3:06 am - The Return of December
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The Return of December
He crept back to her again
He does it selfishly
And for every other boy who craves venom
They need pain to know pleasure
My kiss is just too sweet.
I’m sorry I look so innocent.
They’re afraid to taint my gentle ways
Well, fuck that.
I know what it is to feel pain.
I know.
I don’t numb it, drowning my life, hopes, dreams, ambition
In drugs, booze and sex
So who’s the frail one now?
I can hold my head up only because
I know the ground like the back of my hand
I have crawled in every direction you dance around
Around resolution, around the reality that
Time moves on. Life moves on.
I’m sorry I look so innocent.
It moves forward, goes forward
Stops for no one and nothing
So though in your drunken stupor
Life’s pace hits an all time low
To the world you’re motionless and rotting
While we’re facing reality
So why don’t you tell me again
That I’m not strong enough?
That I can’t take it.
That you think you’re going to break me.
I’ve been through this so many times before
Seen through you, healed at the mercy of your
Distancing hands
The name and face has changed but
It’s all the same scheme
I’m just sick of thinking I’m in a new role
In a new place
That the stage is behind me
Thinking it’s finally the sun on my face
Instead of the spotlight
Leaving me vulnerable on opening night
An audience of non-participants
Thinking that they know what it is to feel
In the comfort of their velvet seats
That they can understand pain
And I’m just here reciting my lines
Taking my predetermined role in the game
But the truth is, the part chose me.
I’m sorry for looking so innocent.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
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1:37 am - just a few things.
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some goals for my winter break... one is to clean my closet. another is to go to the gym everyday... im eating better, its just a matter of working off the weight i put on whe n iwas putting on weight, ya knowyaknow?
i still have nothing for new years
and i dont care all that much
though it wouldve been nice to have plans
the last thing i wanted to write about... i decided not to
haha i do tht a lot. in fact, i barely write in here. but i write in a journal every night.. not a cyberone, a real one i keep near my bed. sorry suckas.
merry xmas
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 21st, 2006
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1:06 pm - last night was beyond success
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not only did i get along well with his friends
i really really liked them... they were completeley awesome.
and today i woke up early
for no reason in particular
i feel so much better that i have no more tests to take<3 and i have no school...
... until next week. wintersession. killer.
so today i am being beyond productive!
cleaned my room, doing my laundry, called my grandparents, renewed mine and my dads prescriptions,paid my spring semester bill for school online, going to pick them up, going to the bank, going to exhange my hannukkah gift, getting coffee, buying gifts for the littel girls i babysit
awesomeawesomeawesome
and later taking trish to the mall to buy things for last minute xmas shopping(on her part)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
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10:44 pm - okay so i have a riddle for you...
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Q: whats scarier than making plans with a guy you have a crush on... and hten he says youre going to meet his friend... and then it changes into going to applebees with this said crush and his 2 best friends and their girlfriends?
A: nothing.
wtf. hahaha wish me luck. i get so nervous meeting people, let alone 4 at once. gah.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 15th, 2006
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1:45 am - apwehfaodhfaoh
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Oh the fight for power. Never ending. Me against the world. Me against my weakness. But mostly my tamed mind against my untamed. Sometimes i have no fucking control. i HATE it. it makes me feel fucking pathetic. it makes me feel weak. and at any vulnerable opportunity my id ATTACKS! call him. text him. msg him. IM him. This one he'll respond to. the other times didnt count, didnt happen. ignore them, forget them. try again... one "last" time. and i always fall for that "one last time shit".
i know its silly. its predictable. i make a fool of myself. so what else is new? where is the growth within this deadbeat situation i just WISH would go away already? i know. i know. "you need to overcome it jenn! conquer it! rise above it!" but ive TRIED the actions that should be healthy... the mind just wont follow. im only faking it. and thats just what i do. i fake it. pretend to be above it all. but im not. its that obsessive compulsive thing ive got going on. just lock the car doors one more time. check the directions one more time to make sure you didnt forget again. dial one more time. this time he'll pick up. and so what. maybe "he" will. whoever "he" is at the time. but where does that leave me to follow his hello? he can see me. vulnerable. afraid of rejection, abandonment. no facade can cover up the last 10 missed calls. no poise will vouch for the racing pulse throbbing in my fingers as i dial.
its never about him. it never is. its about me... just not worrying. not needing to check or try one more time. i just want to be able to take a breath and walk away. and i want it to be easy. not forced or fake.
patience is a virtue. patience is a fucking diamond in the rough.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 10th, 2006
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9:04 pm
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sometimes people just piss me off
and i cant help but be a bitch
uaoweihfaosidfhaoifdh
leave me alone. ugh.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 7th, 2006
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9:01 pm
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im really good at driving myself out of my mind.
chill jenn, chill.
i cant wait for this stupid fucking paper to be done.
one more assignment OUT of the way.
i cant wait until i get to sit on the train tomorrow and listen to my music
i love to look out the window and just thinkandthinkandthink and not have to talk to anyone
i love watching people and wondering where theyre going and where they are in their life
i cant wait to see my stephanie. to get my lip pierced. to go shopping.
i cant wait to be in new paltz.
i cant wait to see my friends.
i cant wait to see my tricia dance.
lets just hope i get a decent train back sunday so im not up forever sunday night doing shit for monday. blah.
my mind needs to stop racing like asap.
im gona drive myself fucking nuts.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 1st, 2006
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2:24 am
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and can i just add.
that i was hinting at joe (as i have done many times) about making music together
and now we're actually going to go somewhere tomorrow night after reiki
to mess around on the piano and sing and figure stuff out!
omg best night. yayayayayyay =0)
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(comment on this)
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